I look better un-naked...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
True strength comes from lack of pants
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
