WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
