I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
