i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
