I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Can you bring me the toilet please
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
