you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize