Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
