she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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