i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
