i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize