I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
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