I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
