I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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