You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
