i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
