2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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