my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
