She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
