Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
