I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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