I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
