I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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