I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
