I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
