i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
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