Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
