My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
