just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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