yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize