I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
