If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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