I heard we made out
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
