she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
