Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
