how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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