The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
