I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
