I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
