Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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