Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
