Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
