The maid of honor just puked.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Please don't give away my fajitas
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
