I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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