Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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