I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
