My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
