Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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