i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize