508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
