my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
