I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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