i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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