Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
