One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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