Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
