On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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