Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
