your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
