if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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