every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize