I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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