I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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