Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
