i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
